If I am being honest, starting a blog or writing a book, seems like torture right now. But I bought this house because God was here whispering to me. I bought it because I knew I could write here. I've known for a long time that writing the book was the next big adventure. It was my leap of faith but honestly right now it feels like a eye gouging, kidney punching, and back breaking wrestling match. Nothing just comes out, the ideas are great if I'm talking to someone, my family hears me preach all the time. But words on paper allude me. I tried to start my doctorate. Thought maybe the classes would generate the things that God wanted to say. It just about killed me and I nearly failed "teaching and learning" which does't say much for my career as a learning professional. Haha.
But what I am realizing is that writing isn't for anyone else. It isn't about what God wants to say to others but what He is whispering to me. I wonder if my dad felt this way when he preached. If so, how hard to stand in the pulpit and tell yourself to get better week after week. But God is doing just that for me. However, He is not whispering anymore, He is yelling. And the yelling is finally getting through. There is nothing - not one thing in this entire universe that I can do that will eradicate His love for me or diminish the desire He has to spend time with me. Not one broken marriage, or even two. Not one ounce of guilt, shame, or shattered dreams. Not even the sins I hide, thinking He can't see them. No, He longs for me. Longs for me like a husband longs for his wife. He walks with me hoping I'll reach over and hold His hand. He woos me and holds on tight when I am falling apart. He knows me. And if I tell the truth, I want to be known. We all do.
So I'm going to stop trying to write anything that might be something worth publishing. I'm going to stop writing what I think other people want to hear. I'm going to stop writing and just start listening. If I do that well then I'm sure God will show up on a page like this and we can all watch His love unfold as the truest of redemption. For see my God, knows me. He knows I feel inadequate. He knows I am a broken vessel and I worry that my example is not good enough. He knows I struggle that I am not clean enough for the church or to lead anyone. He knows I struggle. Yes He knows. He sees me like the Samaritan women at the well. He sees me. He sees my heart. He knows I'm thirsty for the living water but am sometimes full of shame so much that I can't draw from the well. He sees me. He knows me. He loves me. And He offers himself as the resolution to everything.
Truth be told, this writing thing is grueling. It forces me to be real and be seen. It makes me speak honestly in front of my God and really I don't want to share my journey with you. But if I'm honest, I need you as much as you may need me. I need you to see that my God is bigger than all the junk I can think to do. He loves without reservation even the most broken of us. He is the Messiah and He is with us. So I guess this book and blog and all these words are about freedom. They are about learning to live in redemption. They are about being able to start fresh each moment with the Lord. They are about living into our destiny as sons and daughters of the one true God. It is about Love's Redemption.